Monday, September 24, 2007

23RD SEPTEMBER 2007

The necklace that Herni got me!

On the actual day, I found myself waking up at 10 am! Bt then again its sun ok! N den I spent the next couple of hrs, asking for my gifts frm my family, while answering sms after sms, wishing me a happy bdae. Mind you, I got lots too ard midnite. N den I spent it by watching tv, or shall I say, Will & Grace DVD. N den at ard 2pm, I felt tired. I was contemplating getting ready for my yrly ritual. If u must noe, every year, on my bdae, I will go to Changi Airport, T2, viewing mall, n sit there alone. yup, ALONE! Y? coz i look airport n watching the aircrafts land n take off? I find it calming. That will set me the mood for my yearly soul-searching. Yup, I do a yrly review of my life at the T2 viewing mall while watching the aircrafts land n take off.



I will usually tell myself "hmm...one yr gone kin..."

n den find myslef asking.."so wat haf u done? wat haf u accomplished in this 1 yr of ur life?"

n den i finally realised n answer "nothing."



yup, dat's the kinda hard truth i have to face every year on my bdae. I do not achieve anything for a year of my life. Everything is the same.



I'm still a pathetic loser.

I'm still single. (sumtimes i'm happy being single, bt sumtimes, i do want to share my life with sumbody), I'm still crossing my fingers n putting my heart n soul on that line called miracle, where the love of my life is with me.

I'm still alone and lonely.

I'm still mysteriously pretentious.

I still have lotsa unachieved goals n i m nt doing anything abt it.

I m still a very sad sad person.

I do not have a career.

Most of the times, I do not have a friend.

I still long to have ppl whom I will call family.

I still long a mother's & father's touch, care & concern.

I still crave bonding from an elder sister, nt sum1 who is n elder sister wif no job scope for that.

I still need the respect I deserve from my younger siblings.

In short, i'm still nothing.


Sad, isnt it? It's sad to slap ur own face yr after yr on what seemingly to others, should be one of the happiest day of ur life. Bt dat's wat I do. I slap me back into reality. Making me fully aware that life's nt a box of chocolate, esp nt for me. It usually ruins my day, bt i noe dat the day after, I will be stronger, coz I noe i'm still nothing.



Usually halfway through the soul-searching, I will write or scribble on pieces of papers my thoughts, my feelings, my needs, my wants, my hopes and my dreams. N den I crush them. Coz it's all bull.



Till today, I always find that birthdays are n over-rated thing. Ppl thinks that juz coz its ur bday, u must be happy. Well... lemme ask, it's my birthday, does the world stop revolving? Does time stops? Can I not go to werk? Can I murder sum1 n get away with it? No right? So, wat's the big deal? I juz happened to be born n this same date, yrs back, That's all. If anything, my mother shld be celebrated. She was the one who's fighting for her life in the name of an unborn child. Think abt it.



Bt dis yr, everything is different. If u read my previous entry, I did say, I wanna be happy dis yr. N wen i losted down my wishlist, I'm happy to find dat, I kinda get sumtings done. Goals are still unachieved. Wat the heck, goals will always be unachieved. So, dis yr, I decided, sumwhr ard dat 2pm, I will break the ritual, n nt go to the airport. Instead, I went up to the rm, took a bk (its a kursus bimbingan rumahtangga bk. gasp!) read it for 1 hr, n den went to sleep.



I set my alarm to 6pm. I woke up, went to bathe to get ready for my celebration. I noe mum n bakyu are bz cooking, I cn hear them n I cn smell the food. Guess wat I saw, wen I went down....










OMIGODDDDDDDDD!!!!!! Ada kenduri ke ni????????? Look at the spread! Mmc nk jamu ramai org sey! Bt den again, we r a big family. Plus bakyu, plus shahreil who came over to buka puasa with the future family. Dat's huge. N den I realise sumting. No wonder we r having this spread. Shahreil is here!!! Nt fair!!!! I knew my mum did all this because Shahreil is coming, nt because of my birthday! Typical her. Siapa2 yg jd menantu ibuku sgt beruntung, kerana dier sgt sygkan menantu2 lelakinyer. Tgk ajer si Shahreil tu. N he's super lucky coz so far, he's the only menantu. My mum always pamper him! Tkpelah, nk jamu Shahreil makan, tempiasnya aku dpt gak kan! So no complaints...





Bt MY BEST SURPRISE is.... jeng jeng jeng...... I got not one.... bt TWO BIRTHDAY CAKES!!!!!! Thx to along yg kental! Mum already bought a cake, n wen she went out to meet shahreil n get my prezzie, she bought a cake too. Bukannya nk tepon rumah n check dulu! Tkper, di atas kekentalan dier... I GOT TWO CAKES! So... no complaints!!!

This is the 2nd cake. Ges wat? I pig out on it n fin half of the cake!!! N i dun even like cakes! I'm sooo starting this binge-ing trend.

N shahreil oso brought sum stuff!





Ooh... of all the air katira I tasted in my entire life, Shahreil's aunt's recipe is the best! The best ting is..ow every yr we get to taste it!

N of coz, one more!

Guess wat's in the La Senza Bag????

Ok, I din get any of the prezzies I wanted. Nt even one! Bt wat the heck! I enjoyed it still. I'm shocked I like it. Hehehehehe... Wat made me even more happier is dat along's kad jemputan, wic urs truly, picked and sponsored, are ready! Kak Fati went to get them as I was too busy to travel to JB, and Lukman sent the cards over to my hse. For that, Thanks a Gazillion Cuzzies!

I let u all have a preview of the card...

Pretty isnt it? It so suit our concept! Mestilah, tgk siapa wedding planner n manager dier kan?? N.... ada bau wangi pulak tu! I din noe that wen I chose it. Bt the bummer was wen I realise, 2 days after the kad arrived, while waiting for the bus to go to werk, dat I din include bus no 292. How cld i??? Dat's like my fav bus sey! Nvm, no biggie actually.

Ok, so dat's abt it folk, if u have been wondering wat my bdae wld be like dis yr.
N oh yeah, i forgot.


"HEY KIN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY YA!"

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 5:13 PM

Friday, September 21, 2007

T.G.I.F!

It's here again!
FRIDAY!!!!
Yipeeeeeee!!!!!!

Colleagues has been asking me, y i look refreshed, i look happy, y i look energized todae.
Their conclusion: either i'm nt fasting, or i happen to juz meet my Mr Right.

Sorry guys to disappoint you, but that's not the case. That's hardly the case even.
I'm happy today simply coz it's friday!
YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Friday means the last werk day of the week, n tmr is sat, wic is my fav day! Tho tmr i got class, bt wateverlah, i always like the sat class. More relaxed n less sleepy. Bt i hate the train rides tho. Cnfrm no seat for me.

N i ges, Friday means.... I woke up later today, coz i start werk later den usual. So generally, I already feel better! heheheheh... N i had a pretty gd dream last nite... or in the morning lah... after subuh nyer mimpi ni...

N tonight, I'm meeting half of my darls for supper at siglap. N my kad jemputan dah siap, n my darling kak fati is getting them for me, so i do not need to go jb to collect them on my bdae!

OH YA!
MY BIRTHDAY!!!

I dunno y, bt i m kinda xcited for my bdae this yr. dat's a first! I hope i'll get great prezzies! hehehehe...

ADIOS AMIGOS!
I M SO THANKFUL ITS FRIDAY!!!

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 12:53 PM

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Wake Me Up When September Comes

IT'S SEPTEMBER!!!!!



it's time for......



my yearly birthday wish!!!! wic reminds me on the post i posted last year... if u guys r too lazy to actually go back n read my post, here's wat it is. i cut paste for you. i'm too nice.

Confessions of a Mad Birthday Girl-to-be

Today is a tiring day...mainly bcoz...today we had a major family fight
n wen i say major n fight
it is nt an overstatement
dun ask me wat happen coz its the same old same old

this made me think...in addition to the I HAVE NO FRENS episode,
now I HAVE NO FAMILY episode is on...
nt dat i nvr realise dat,i did.
a longggggggggggggg time ago....
bt i ges i kip hoping n wishing dat sumday... i do haf a family... WATEVER...
all this is a hallucination anyway...nuthing exist in this world....
even i dun exist...it's all an illusion... NUTING EXIST!!!!
HAIZ......

aniweis...tmr is mon n laura's nt gonna b ard n jasmine is also nt ard n dis means dat tmr will be a SUPER BORING DAY wif a big capital B!!!
jas has left us... nt in the forever kinda way bt in the gotta-cont-studies-in-sim kinda way! niwei jas if u r reading this: I M GONNA MISS U!!!! ok i'll only say dat once lah!

on a lighter note to all the misery in life (note to self: i m admitting myself to imh!)
(another note to self: wic is nt a joke coz i called them up oready!)
where were we...???? oh ya.....on a lighter note, my bdae's coming!
20 more days to be one yr older! i dun want to tink abt the negativity dat comes wif it like every other single yr... so today, i shall make my wishlists!

1)i wish dat sakti will be back soon enuff, b4 my bdae so dat he cn make my yr wonderful by juz simply wishing me like he used to do!
2)i wish dat sumhow isa will oso come into the light n...erm.... wish me....??? i dunno.... basically i wish he will actually nt be cold towards me n stop hating me for i dunno wat
3)i wish i will meet n haf a great time wif erm..... anak pak hikmat...heheheh....
4)i wish dat i will b rich
5)i wish i cn go on a fucking shopping spree n i nt only literally shop till i drop...bt physically shop till i drop!
6)i wish i cn go on a fucking longgggggggggg holiday
7)i wish dat maybe i cn juz stop saying fucking all the fucking time! ooops!!!
8)i wish dat ppl who hurt me will get their uttermost retribution ever!!!!
9)i wish dat i cn make rafi beg for forgiveness frm me!
10)i wish dat i cn murder ppl n get away wif it!!!! HAHAHA!!!!

okay..... my first ten wishes of the day r probably NEVER gonna come true n a lil bit out of the mind...bt dat's me! OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND! (see! cn nvr fulfil wish no.7!)
time to rethink my wishes.... lemme see....

11)i wish dat i will get a gd-paying job ASAP!
12)i wish to get a samsung mp3
13)i wish to get a $200 harvey norman voucher or best denki voucher
14)i wish to get a canon ixus 800 digicam
15)i wish to get the BOBBI BROWN or M.A.C makeup bag (the big one use only for stars! bt den again i m a star!)
16)i wish to get a car (hehehehe...)
17)i wish to get cash (lots of it!)
18)i wish to get $500 shopping vouchers (if possible for la senza!)
19)i wish to get a pair of sport shoes which is black n red in colour
20)i wish to get the cd player wif radio n alarm function to put in ofis

erm... wat else huh? ok... i'll tink abt it den gat back to u all k...

so... in the spirit of true shikin september tradition (well... it is a new tradition...) i will be writing my wishlist now. so ppl, sit back, relax, read my wishlist wif a very open mind, n yeah, after dat, pls proceed to get them for me by 22nd September 23:59:59 so u cn give it to me on time on 23rd September 00:00:00. EVERYBODY! R U READY?????!!! I CNT HEAR YOU!!! *YES WE ARE!!!!*

for starters... i will based my this year wishlist on last year wishlist. confused? dun be. it's simple really. here goes...

1) last yr, i asked for sakti. dis yr... wel, sakti came back early of the year. sumwhr ard march if i'm nt wrong. how did i find out? su sms me all the way frm selangor exclaiming "kin! sak is back!!!" i was so shocked, surprised, happy, excited, dat i almost get a heart attack n died. obviously i din. bcoz if i did, i ges i will be the first ghost blogger. aniwei, (i'm digressing again aren't i...) how did su noe? coz she happen to surf sheila's webbie n saw the pics for their anniversary (6th may remember?) n there he was as a... let's put it dis way, guest appearance. i saw the pic too. OH MY! he looks super thin, n he has jambang as long as the niles river. of coz i'm exaggerating. haf u seen JJ UNCLE JENGGOT? yup the bandung drink that Allahyarham Ishak Ahmad used to promote? yup...sumwat like dat... he totally look bangladeshi + pakistani. 1 year there taught him a lot i ges... oh yeah, he was wearing sumwat look like the mat giler kat geylang tu..alah yg mcm kot arab dlm cerita arab2 dulu yg aku slalu tgk waktu kecik2... yup even in broad daylight. so.... i rest my case lah. apparently, he went there wif a fren who has the same image, n den his father (my ex future father in law) came too. i really tot he turned gay. a talkative n joker gay i heard. so if u tink that this is the reason y i m nt wishing for him this year, u r wrong. i will always love him even if he is gay. (ok ok at this point lotsa u will roll ur eyes n say, dis girl eh cnt make her mind up is it? sekejap isa, sekejap sakti, byk nyer ko love! den dat'snt tru love!) i haf to explain myself here tho this is too much of me digressing away from my bdae wishlist. u haf to noe the difference. i love sakti and isa. in 2 different ways n level. i will always love them as they r very special to me. i love sakti in the love a person kinda way. i love isa in the i m in love with him kinda way. get it? yes? gd. no? den tink of it as the diff levels of love wen u love ur partner, ur parents, ur siblings, ur family, ur bestfrens, ur close frens, n ur frens, ur colleagues etc. the love u haf for diff category/people is diff. really. anyway wish number 1 rite? ah... yes.... back to it! the reason y i m nt wishing for him dis year is very simple really. first, he's already back. bt second and the most important reason is that, he's married. yup yup. u heard from me alrite. i said it calmly alrite. he's married. nope, he wasnt already married wen he came back, he nikah end of may, n the reception was in june. so to date, he's been married for ard 3mths. i dunno the exact date, hell, i dun even noe, who she is or wat's even her name. i had nightmares tho. bt dat'll be another story. aniwei, i cnt wish dat he'll b there for me for my bdae like the gd old times, coz he's uncontactable. nt dat i want to contact him or watsoever. i m nt ready for dat. yet. in conclusion wish no 1 for last year is ....
NO LONGER VALID.

2)i wished for isa next. well u all already noe wat is happening now. so in short, NO. IT WUN HAPPEN EITHER, IN FACT, I DUN TINK IT WILL HAPPEN EVER. so wish no 2 is.....
NO LONGER VALID.

3)i wish for anak pak hikmat. erm... tricky.... coz... rite now i dun really feel anything towards him. i mean last year he was in the hype. i mean i noe i will still go gugu-gaga over him (man i've been trying to strike a decent conversation wif dis guy!) bt lemme tell u... he's suc a stone. i mean totally stiff. he's almost boring with a big capital B. i mean i wld love to spend time wif him n seduce him, bt let's do the wishing later wen we r one step closer. for now, lemme conclude dat wish no 3 is.... NO LONGER VALID.

4)i wish dat i will be rich. I STILL WANNA B RICH! so wish no 4 is VERY THE VALID LOR!

5)shopping! i still wish dat i cn shop till i physically drop! so ppl, get me number 4, den i cn do number 5. killing 2 birds wif one stone. i will love u doubly too... so lemme remind u dat wish no 5 is.... ALSO STILL VERY THE VALID!

6)holidays!!!! the last time i went for a trip was to kl for less den 24hrs to get wedding stufs. i hardly call it a holiday, wat more a fucking longgggggggg holiday. so yeah! i still wanna go for a fuckingggggggg longggggggggggggggggggg holiday. (while we are on this topic, i wouldnt mind if it's an all expenses paid hols. if dat happens i dun mind doing the fucking! KIDDING! not the all expenses paid ting tho. dat, i'm dead serious abt!)

7)ok dis one...hmmm.... serious.... i nid to stop saying it. bt wat the heck in the true spirit of being shikin, i proudly pronounce dat i dun mind saying fucking anymore! who cares! at least i dun nid to feel guilty everytime i say it! ahah! cool!!!! (nt like this wish will come true even if i wish for it every single yr of my life anyway) so fuck it lah!

8)ppl hurt me. they get. utter retribution. i like this wish. it's a keeper. tho i noe i'm old enuff for the forgiv n forget phase. bt face it, i m nt a forgiver, n i cn nvr b a forgetter (unless they are the necessary important stuffs, dat, i cn forget easily.) anyway, how to do dat wen the list of ppl who hurts me juz get longer everytime. first on my list is the BITCH. no, nope the evil white bitch. dat bimbo i cn handle. the other bitch. the bitch who tinks tings r too gd to be true bitch. the wanna act cute bitch. ahah! i shall now call her the pretentious bitch! so yeah, this wish, i still want ok!

9)ok... dis wish.. erm... let's juz forget abt this k...

10)n i ges i dun really wanna kill ppl. nt wen i'm sane aniwei. so... forget abt this too.

so...erm... to date how many wishes do i actually haf? let's see... wish, 4, 5, 6, 8 so dat's 4 wishes. way to go matured girl. i m less greedy dis yr. from 10 i reduced to 4! so proud of myself!
moving on to part 2!

11) gd paying job... hmm.... well... i m in a better paying job than b4. so i got dat wish fulfilled.

12)samsung mp3. talking abt this gives me heartache. i did got it last yr. it was a bdae gift to myself. i bt i got mugged on christmas day (wic is only 3mths later!) in tampines. wel... i got dat wish fulfilled, even tho it's no longer wif me. nevertheless, i m practical now, so i bought a $99 creative. it aint dat pretty n has less features. bt it plays music, n dats my main objective. i jus need music to accompany me. n it's still in pink. ;p

13)i used my harvey norman voucher n sold my best denki voucher (or vice versa). thus dis wish is no longer valid.

14)i still want a camera. i get jealous of ppl snapping pics of everything n nothing at all, all the time. i wanna do dat too. i got talent for photography. n i haf the looks to be in it. (heheheheh!) so i want a canon ixus latest model camera!

15)i want a M.A.C make up bag still! y no more bobbi brown? simple. i swear by M.A.C. now. SERIOUS! everything is M.A.C even the cleanser n moisturiser. talking abt high maintenance! (since we r on dis topic, i welcome wif open arms for those who wanna supply me M.A.C. pdts for 1 year. thank you thank you thank you!)

16)i wish to get a car...hmm... i got used to driving a car wen i got my swift the other day. bt get a car as in really get a car. i dunno. it'l b fun n cool. bt the maintenance. n the chauffering ard! bt i ges, i dun mind getting it as a gift. (maintenance included as the gift of coz!) i dun mind a small car. swift, beetle, mini-cooper. yup. i dun mind the small tings in life.

17)CASH! OF COZ I WANT! I M CRAZY BT M NO FOOL! I WANNA CASH! LOTSA IT!

18)SHOPPING VOUCHERS??!! $500??!!! I LIKEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

19)sport shoes... erm... nah.... i dun need it animore... i haf aleen's now... (plus i havent had the time to run!)

20) i got a cd player wif radio n alarm function all right from mummy dearest last yr. bt it's too big for the office. bt yeah, i got dat wish fulfilled.

so let's see the summary.

i kicked 6 of my wishes in part 1, fulfilled 4 wishes in part 2, n dun really craze over 3 wishes in part 3. i tink i'm really a non-greedy girl dis yr.

so please ppl. UNDERSTAND WAT I WLD LOVE TO GET FOR MY BIRTHDAY K! (note: i said "love to get" not want or need, as dun ever ask me wat i want/ need for my bdae, coz u cnt nvr gif me dat! y? simple. only GOD cn fulfil that miracle. )

n oh yeah... my ultimate most perfect bdae gift is
the whole complete seasons (series) of
- the nanny (minus season 1. i haf dat oready)
-popular (marie cherie!)
-grosse point (i remember it was funny)
-csi(all versions lah)
-jesse (if u cn find it)
-i love lucy (old times babe old times)
-blossoms (i tink dat's the title)
-friends
-gilmore girls!

n for any other titles, pls chck with me first.

i haf decided dat this yr, i'm gonna try like my birthday. i haf to look forward. n feel proud dat i did sum tings i wanted to. n den focus all energy on doing things dat i havent do. i will try like my bdae this yr. guys, wish me luck for it.

till den! ciao!

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 11:52 AM

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Mimpi (yg tk begitu) Manis...

Lately, i've been dreaming abt the guys in my life...
dun ask me y... i dunno y
(eh i realise eh mcm selalu i say the phrase in my blog)
yg lebih pelik... its on 3 consecutive nites!

meh, cheq habaq noh...

YG PERTAMA:
mimpi si mamat sensitip tu...
hehehehhehe... actually gua dh tk igt sgt beb apa yg gua mimpi... walaupun aritu gua bangun terbyg2 n mengelamun psl mimpi tu n si dia tu... skrg gua dh tk igt sgt... al-maklum lah... teman mu ini dh tuekkkkkkkk....

apakah mimpinya ye...??

firstly, (its very blur now mind you) i tink we kinda kept fighting n argueing abt god noes wat lah...mcm marah2 merajuk2 meradang2 sensitip2... (eh...mcm dlm alam nyata lak eh cik abang oi!) den... (dis i remember VERY CLEARLY) we were lying down side by side (at this place wic is whr we were argueing n all), we were juz looking at each other, n smiling real wide.... n my left fingers is holding his right fingers...n we were gaf each other a tite squeeze (the fingers ppl the fingers! gawd! wat u guys tinking???)

N THE MOST AMAZING THING IS DAT I CN FEEL IT!!!
i mean how many times does a dream felt sooooo real?
dis time i cld really feel his fingers (damn! i realise it kinda sound...erm... off..) hands... watever... i mean... wow! talking abt freaking me out...

n den i woke up missing him... i miss his footsteps... i miss him talking to me... i miss him annoying me... i miss him...

YG KEDUA:
INI ADALAH MIMPI PALING TOUCHING THE MACHING TAU!
aku cerita kan balik kat lin... mcm nk menangis jadiknyer... bukan lin... aku lah....

i dreamt of isa... yes dat isa... the only isa...
it started of (very blur as usual..dun blame me... blame my memory..) it was in a room (it's always in a rm ahak!)... den there was dis bed. i was sitting at the other end of the bed (not on the bed tp sebelah hujung katil, aku duduk kt lantai) den he was at the other side (pun begitu kat lantai ye bukan dekat atas katil tu, dier ngah sandar kat katil tu), wif a fren, whom i cnt see the face bt dat doesnt matter, coz apparently his name is danny. (must be influenced by the fact dat danny is in spore filming krayon, yes dat danny, the kau sehangat api, kau membara danny, n yes dat krayon, the bila matahari menyinar krayon. shit! i'm digressing!)

den he was like talking to his fren n i was juz like observing the 2 of dem ah, den suddenly his fren, danny (nt the kau sehangat api danny, bt isa's danny. make any sense?), called me over. i was like sitting in between them ah (no horny tots ppl!) n isa refused to look at me ah. den danny said sumting like:

danny: dier suruh aku ckp ngan ko, jgn kacau dier lagi. dier nk tau knp ko skrg sibuk2 nk masuk campur hal personal dier. dier nk tau apa motif ko nk rosakkan perhubungan dier ngan matair dier. dier ckp ko jgn sibuk2 dlm hidup dier lagi.

me: WAT??!!! APA SIAK! apa aku buat siak? (turning to him) apa u merepek ni? apa siak me buat?

he continue ignoring me.

danny: eh aku tk tau pape eh. aku cuma tolong ckpkn jer. dier yg suruh.

me: apa sey? tny dier apa bukti aku ada kacau dia. apa sebab aku nk kacau dier? apa? pompan tu tk hepi per? kalau ni masalah pompan tu dgn aku, suruh pompan tu ckp ngan aku direct ah. apsal? tk berani per? pls lah, aku tk ader masa nk campur2 hal korang. (turning to him) if u tk puas hati ngan me, tell me to my face, nt like dis! n if she, dun like me, n she tinks she has a problem wif me, ask her to face me! plus, if she is so insecure abt the relationship in the first place, it's nt my fault isnt it? i cnt do shit if she tinks i'm a threat! who the fuck she tink she is?!

n i start mengamuking like wat! mcm nk cekik2 jer jantan satu tu. i mean for that bitchified minah, dier sanggup siak! babi tul! (tgh marah nie!) den i walked off. den danny called me again. i went there again lah (cn u believe it aft wat happen???? tings i'd do for him....) i sat there again.

danny: er.... dier nk ckp sumting ngan ko ah...

me: apa? (tgh tengking ah)

him: (to danny) ko ckp ngan dier... kalau dier nk aku... kejar aku...

me: huh?!

him: ko ckp ngan dier... kalau dier btul2 masih nk aku... jgn berenti kejar aku... jgn berenti syg aku.... jgn berenti tunggu aku... aku tk nk dier berenti

me: HUH!!!!? WAT THE HELL R U TALKING ABT??!

him: u masih sayang me kan? u kata u masih sayang me kan? kalau u sayang me, jgn berenti. i tk nk u berenti... i nk u slalu ada... slalu ada....

me: BYK CANTIK MUKA KAU! OHHHHHHHHHHHH! SENANG EH CKP MCM NI! ABEH POMPAN TU KO NK LETAK MANA?!

him: itu u jgn pk kan ah. u sayang me kan. i tk nk u pegi. psl dier u jgn pk kan.

me: OHHHHHHHH... SO DIS IS HOW IT IS! U SELFISH BASTARD! ko tk pk kan pompan tu eh?! dier matair ko siak! JANTAN TK GUNA! (from this onwards i was juz maki2-ing like mad, siap pakai baling kerusi lagi, dier diam jer, si danny yg cuba tahan aku yg tgh marah giler.)

yg best part ni, psl darah aku menyirap dlm mimpi, aku terjaga (kul 5 pagi....) waktu bgn pun darah aku masih menyirap sgt2. tahap benccciiiiiii sgt dgn dua ekor setan ni. pas tu aku coax myself to sleep again.... n i did... (surprise surprise)

den in the part 2 of the dream... i dreamt of him again..( a BIGGER surprise... surprise...)

i dreamt that we were in my room ( i mean along's room ah), it seems like i asked him to come over to my hse coz i need to speak to him urgently. n he actually came. so we were talking quite politely n awkwardly to each other... n i was asking him abt his friendster n all. like y did he put his profile private n like mentang2 lah dh ader matair baru nk eksyen eh... n he was like... no lah... where got... tk bermaksud sey nk bikin u terasa... n i was like yeah rite... n he was like serius! n i was like yeah rite... n he was like ..ok i show u... n den he on my computer, n surf tru his (n hers) frenster n den he showed me their raya pics together, their holidays n outing pics together n all lah. aku pun senyum2 walau dlm hati mcm membara gak lah... jeles beb....

den we were talking again n den we ter touch here n there on topics like refer to wen we were together... n den he turn to look at me n smile... n i was like give a what face n he like smile n sigh slightly n den he slowly turn back to face the computer... n at dat time i felt like shit... coz i miss him so much bt there's nuthing i cn do abt it... i simply have to pretend dat it doesnt matter to me now dat he's wif sum1 else n dat i'm happy for him.

so i finally decide dat i cnt take it animore n said to him "i tink u better go home now." n he was like shocked. i mean, sekejapnyer.. n i did wanthim to come over. he gave me dat y face. n i gave him the u noe y face, it's time. n den he nodded n slowly bangun. n i oso bangun n den i was like ready? n he smiled n nodded his head slowly.... n den he hold my hands n i was like sooooo happy n i look at him n smiled like mad n he was like smiling like mad oso dat both of us laugh. n den i led him down the stairs (my hse is dbl storey k.) n he was like almost tk berjln like dat, he was walking super slow. n den since i was walking in front of him i (remember we were holding hands) n den i put(or should i say hang?) his right arm on my right shoulder (so cn u imagine he walking behind, i walking in front?) n den i hugged his overhanging arms lah (go figure).

u nvr noe how blissed i felt at that moment. to actually really feel his hands over me like dat. i really feel like nt letting it go. ever. n den we reach my first level n i went to the kitchen whr mimi, bakyu n abang tgh buat kuih (Kuih raya ke?) n den i told him " u ight my adik2? ini mahathir, ini mimi. abg, mimi igt tk abg isa? dulu2 pernah bobal kt tepon..." n den suddenly we were walking out of the hse.... n down the stairs to the void deck. while going down the stairs we were juz holding hands. n i kept looking at him. he turned to ask me y i kip looking at him like dat. i sighed, smiled n said, " i want to haf a gd last look at you" n den he kept quiet. a few steps at the void deck n i hold his two hands. i said " this is it. i'll send you off till here. " n he kept quiet. after a while he nod his head very slowly. i looked down, not knowing wat to say, wat to do, or if i'm really really ready this time. i finally looked up, looked at him n asked "can i ask u one... er...personal question..?" n he nodded his head. " can i hug you?" he din reply. he juz stared at me. i let go of his hands, n den i hug him. i was so happy to be able to hug him. finally. n den he hug me back. den i hug him even tighter. dis time i was at the verge of crying. i remember counting till 5 . n den i slowly push him away and at the same time turn ard , without even looking at him. i knoe he was shocked. den i said "leave. leave now. go." n den he said.. "...kin.." i said, controlling my voice, coz my tears were already running slowly... 'please, juz go. please.go now. go" n den i cn feel he make a step closer to me n i started to move a step further. n i juz walked off. i started walking off slowly, n as i cried even harder, i walked faster. n den he called me again "...kin...!" n den i started running. i ran up the stairs, crying so bad, cursing myself, coaxing myself, shaking my head. n den i heard him chase after me. i got panicked. so i continued running, tinking of whr i cld go hide, a place whr he wun find me. bt i cn hear him. shouting after me, chasing me, so near... bt yet so far... he nvr did catch up, n i continued runnig n crying like mad. n den i found dis corner hse... n i sat there, hiding.... n crying.... feeling miserable...

n den i woke up...

it's 6.30 now...

GOSH. i felt so miserable the whole of yesterday. n i was crying everywhere. at werk, in the bus, walking, waiting for the bus, almost cried wen i hugged linda, n told her the dream... he's torturing me you noe. y cnt i turn back time? y cnt i speak to him one last time? y cant i hold his hands, look into his eyes, touch his face, listen to him laugh, smile with him, n hug him for one last time? is it too much to ask in life? i juz want dat. one last time. (i mite wanna sing taufik's song - one last kiss, now)

YG KETIGA & YG TERAKHIR:
last night, i dreamt of married bastard. i cnt remember shit now dat i'm focused on isa. basically dat married bastard look for me again n den he's wife came looking for me. n den mcm serang aku gitu. i dun really care ah. juz make sure it doesnt come true. if not.... mati kau married bastard. i mean, he's the bitch n i'm getting the blame? watever!

no mood now dat i m tinking of isa. hm..... i haf to shake him off my system. how how how? anyway, any1 of u here gd in dreams interpretation? den maybe u cn explain to me my dreams.

aniway, the song below is specially dedicated to md isa jahri:

Sepi Sekuntum Mawar Merah

Berulang kali kumencuba
Memujuk hati
Lupakan semua
Kenangan...
Namun mimpi bertemu lagi
Di saat engkau
Tiada di sisi...

Ku berpegang pada janji
Tercipta ... antara kita dulu
Hilangmu tiada berganti
Biarlah ... begini

Ku belayar di lautan
Tidak bertepian
Sesekali disedarkan
Ombak yang mendatang
Aku seperti hilang
Punca arah dan ... tujuan

Aku puisikan namamu
Bersama rindu
Di dalam sendu ...


walaupun dh tujuh tahun berlalu, n waktu kiter together only 2yrs.... i cn nvr forget u isa. u set a very high benchmark, i cn nvr find another you... a lost i cnt replace... i noe i shld b happy for u now, now dat u've found dat special sum1 who cn understand u, n b there 4 u all the time, bt i simply cnt. y? coz i still want u. i still m hoping for the day dat u r mine. i noe i'm better den her. bt maybe u dun nid the best. watever it is, i hope one day u'll get to realise n noe, dat i love u all this time...

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 12:56 PM

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